Week 5 update: 5.12.2008

I know, there was no week four update. On to this week!

Raw

Regal opening the show and threatening to throw out some people that ended up being Mickie James' brother and his girlfriend was pretty funny, with Regal threatening to give Mickie the boot if she didn't get out of his face. Mickie and John Cena flirting at the catering table was . . . interesting.

The return of Jeff Hardy was pretty anticlimactic, to say the least:

1) He came out with new music that no one recognized.
2) He came out with new music that no one recognized to cut a promo, which isn't his best area.
3) Regal cut his mic and made him wrestle Umaga, who he's wrestled a million-billion times before.

Huh?! Why not have him come out and help someone in a match or be someone's mystery opponent or something? The crowd was still happy to see him, but not as happy as they could've been.

Carlito and Santino retained their belts against Rhodes/Holly in a boring-ish match with Roddy Piper sitting really close to the ring for some reason. Maybe he realized he's not a quick as he once was and didn't want to miss his interference spot which helped the champs retain. What was up with JR mentioning that there was a "rumor" going around that Rhodes/Holly were going to be upset in this match? So weird.

Batista said he was going to hurt Shawn Michaels now that he knows HBK faked his injury at Backlash. Okaaaaaay . . .

Cryme Tyme lost to Cade/Murdoch which then lead to the inevitable move of Cade punching Murdoch in the face (which looked pretty good) and leaving the team. This is a terrible idea, because those two work very well together as the hick tag team. Apart from one another, they just don't seem to have what it takes to succeed. THE WWE NEEDS A STRONG TAG TEAM DIVISION. Yeesh.

Tensions are rising between Melina and Beth Phoenix after last week when Melina fucked up and hit the Glamazon with her boot, because this week, Phoenix left Melina in the lurch during their tag match loss to Maria & Mickie James. I guess I care.

This Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and (Dave) Batista feud is fucking stupid. Seriously. This week, Jericho decided that he wanted to apologize to Michaels for giving him a hard time about his knee, so he lays out this heel-y fake apology to HBK and gets a Superkick for his trouble. Then, Michaels claims that he was never injured in the first place, does a flippy move out of the ring, and walks up the ramp. So . . . is this feud over? do they have a reason to wrestle now that HBK has proven Jericho's point about him being a prick? Sure, Jericho probably wants to save face, but this being the last Raw before the Judgment Day PPV leaves zero time to establish this. Also - Batista was nowhere to be seen. LAME!!!

Kenndy beat Snitsky for some reason. Are Kennedy and Regal still feuding? Very odd.

Orton defeated Cena in the main event after Regal decided to interject JBL into the mix as a guest referee, who counted a fast three on Orton's behalf. OK. Then HHH came out all pissed off to beat up Orton and a cage magically lowered over the ring to remind us that they were going to be battling it out THIS SUNDAY in THAT VERY ENVIRONMENT for the WWE Championship.

Who was lowering the cage? Why?! We all caught a glimpse of the cage hanging up there during an earlier match! Are us fans supposed to believe that the cage was just up there for no reason? I mean, it clearly takes some sort of planning and manpower to get it up there in the first place before the show started. Is the idea supposed to be that Regal has that much foresight as King of the Ring/General Manager of Raw? What if HHH decided to lay low that night?

At least Orton's tumble over the ropes and out the bottom of the un-secured cage looked cool.

Overall? A weak, confusing show.

ECW

Colin Delaney lost to Mike Knox, who I'm finding a soft spot for. He could be the next Kane type figure: big, mean if necessary, powerful, etc. Then, a creepily-strong Armando Estrada came out and declared himself the newest (15th?) member of the ECW roster and beat down Delany again, giving The Underdog That No One Really Cares About his second loss in one night. Great feud building up, here.

Cherry pinned Victoria in a six-woman tag match that also features some other Divas. Cherry is really getting a big ol' face push for some reason.

Kofi made Shelton look like a chump in the Backstage Area with a cheap shot. Who's the heel, here?

In a "preview" for their match at Judgment Day, Miz & Morrison beat Kane & CM Punk, who are only a team because they're both faces. Considering that Punk is the Money in the Bank holder and Kane is the ECW Champ, neither of them really has anything to gain by teaming up. Unless Punk is just trying to get close to Kane and build up some false trust for a huge heel turn and reclamation of the ECW title! Unlikely.

Another weak show.

Smackdown

In the third so-so show of the week, the opening segment was La Familia talking about how great Edge is or whatever until Teddy Long came to the ring bearing a letter from the WWE Board of Directors. Long story short (pun fully intended), Vickie Guerreo had to either:

1) get in the ring against Undertaker tonight in her first-ever match, or
2) resign from her position as General Manager of Smackdown

Then, Vickie was pissed at Teddy for going to this meeting with the Board of Directors (that she blew off for some reason?) and tried to fire Teddy, who quit instead.

She eventually decided to take the match, but using her power as GM, changed the match to be her whole stable against the Undertaker.

Now this is where I get confused. Vickie is the GM of Smackdown. Apparently, there's a Board of Directors (one would assume Vince, Linda, and some other mysterious figures) who can make huge, concrete decisions. But using her power as GM, Vickie has the ability to change the match in any way she sees fit but not cancel it? Where exactly does her power lie? GM's of these shows should just be around to make matches for other people, get in other people's business, and generally be decision makers for other people.

After MVP, Big Show, and Finlay all expressed dissatisfaction of being used in the mock tournament last week, Vickie set up a tag match between Finlay/Show and MVP/whoever he wanted (which turned out to be Mark Henry). Chavo also expressed concern that he was used in Edge and Vickie's plot. Oh, the heels won.

Also on Smackdown, the bizarre CM Punk and Chuck Palumbo feud continued with Punk getting a win over Palumbo in a decent match. The only thing I can think of here is that the WWE office people are seeing how Punk can work with all different sizes of guys. This feud came out of nowhere and has no logical reason to exist. Why do they dislike each other? Punk has nothing to gain by beating Palumbo and vice versa, unless Punk puts up his Money in the Bank contract for some reason, which won't happen.

Matt Hardy and Shelton Benjamin had a good match with Shelton jobbing . . . again. Really makes him feel like a legitimate threat for his third match against Kofi Kingston on ECW next week!

Former Deuce & Domino lady Cherry beat current Deuce & Domino lady Maryse in an OK match. Again, the Cherry push is bizarre, but she's not that bad in the ring. Better than I could do!

Kozlov over Funaki. Now, he's 7-0 against jobbers. Wouldn't be surprised if Shelton was his bitch next week. I'm bummed that Kozlov is coming to the ring with no lights on, but the lights remain up after the match for some reason. It was way better when he won and the lights went back down. You know, like it was "lights out" for his opponents?! Maybe I'm reaching, but it looked really cool.

The main event saw everyone (except for Chavo and Bam Neely, who left the arena for some un-specified reason before the match, but were most likely acting on the fact that Chavo was pissed he was a "pawn" in Edge's tournament victory) in La Familia try to beat down 'Taker, who eventally got Vickie in his grasp for an Earth-shattering Chokeslam, but was foiled by Edge with a Spear. Here's what could have happened instead:

Vickie pusses out on the match without consulting Edge and Teddy takes over Smackdown. Without her power in place, Edge starts to distance himself from Vickie, making him seem even more heelish in the process. Then, at the PPV, you can have Vickie try to help Edge and fuck up, therefore costing him the title. Or something.

Everything this week felt rushed and ill-thought out. I mean, the last PPV was only three weeks ago! If they just didn't have the Judgment Day PPV, these storylines would have four more weeks to play out! In other words . . .

CANCEL SOME OF THE FUCKING PPV'S AND ALLOW YOUR PLOTS TO DEVELOP.
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